The following is an actual conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter today:
Offspring- Mom, you know what I always wanted but never got?
Me- A nap?
Offspring- Worms.
Me- Plead your case.
Offspring- I have been good this week since you got new boobs.
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Me- This is true.
Offspring- We just played Barbies and did art stuff with you for like 58 hours. I didn’t jump on you, so your boobs wouldn’t shake.
Me- Thank you for not shaking my boobs.
Offspring- Some kids slap 'dem mom’s boobs.
Me- Really? I would send you to boarding school. What are you going to do with worms?
Offspring- Play with them and then let them go when they feel like dying.
Me- This philosophy should be applicable to moms. Where do you get worms?
Offspring- Wal-Mart.
Me- I hate Wal-Mart.
Offspring- Dad likes it.
Me- I didn’t know that about him when we got married.
Offspring- I will be extra, extra, extra good and I prayed to God for some worms.
Me- Worms do sound kind of fun.
Offspring- They need a habitat.
Me- What kind of “habitat”?
Offspring- BPA free Tupperware with hole pokes.
Me- BP what?
Offspring- Duh, chemicals mom.
Muhahahahahaha! My plan is working nicely. My daughters are never going to trust me to watch my future grandchildren based on their horrid childhoods and feigned ignorance so I am planning on spending my golden years in leisure. I wonder if I can book cruise tickets thirty years in advance for a discount. XO
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
