This morning my sister called me while I was in the bathtub….
Erika: I feel like I am pregnant but I know that is not possible.
Me: What makes you feel that way?
Erika: I am bloated, my boobs hurt and I am peeing when I laugh.
Me: Oh My God. You are totally going to take a poop and a baby is going to plop out in the toilet like on that show “I Did Not Know I Was Pregnant.” HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Erika: That is the stupidest show EVER. Who shits out a baby?
Me: Well, apparently enough women to make a show out of it. Are you having contractions? Do you want me to come over and deliver my new niece or nephew?
Erika: Yeah, can you come over, feed me ice chips and be my labor coach?
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Me: Yes and I will bring the video camera. Was the last dude you slept with French?
Erika: No.
Me: Okay, so this is good news! Was he rich by any chance?
Erika: Yes.
Me: Sweet! This is really exciting! Everything is going to be fine then. Try to calm down and focus on your breathing, your body knows what it needs to do.
Erika: Mom is totally going to freak.
Me: Yeah, you should probably let me adopt your poop and raise it as my own.
Erika: I have to go. I have a hair appointment.
Me: Bye. Don’t forget to shave your legs.
Erika: Later.
XO
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
