My in-laws were in town this past week. In terms of their overall satisfaction with me as their daughter-in-law they rate me 3 out of 5 stars. How was I supposed to know that the air mattress bed I bought for them was going to deflate at 2:00am leaving them tangled in a plastic abyss? Come on that is hysterical!!!! And seriously, I cannot think of a single person that does not like broccoli!!!! I would never have served it for 5 consecutive nights had I known! I make a concerted effort to overlook our differences because I see the big picture: they made Mike, who made money, which I then used to buy my beloved dogs.
And furthermore, my wedding was a total set-up so it really should be me harboring anger and resentment. When Mike and I decided to get married because we were madly in love and/or pregnant, we didn’t know anyone who could officiate the ceremony. Fortunately, Mike had a buddy who had a cousin etc. etc. etc. Yes. In hindsight, this was precisely the point where I should have intervened.
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Should I have expressed a little more interest and written some meaningful vows or at least rehearsed them beforehand? Probably. But I wanted to go get Mexican food that night so I gave our toothless, straight off the set of Deliverance preacher fifty bucks and told him the generic “repeat-after-me stuff” would be stellar. I also requested that he not ad-lib anything because his incessant use of double negatives was making me more nauseous than my growing fetus in desperate need of some enchiladas to assist in her brain development.
My Wedding: This would be the day I accidentally sold my soul to Mike. We were standing at the altar before our homeless preacher, God and everyone else that decided to show up for free food or temporary shelter. Then Christian Clive reached into his breast pocket and fished out some coffee stained vows from the 1950’s. “Erin will you forsake boning all others” I smiled, tears trickled down my make-up encrusted face, my fake eyelashes fluttering feverishly. And this was the last thing I remember before I got kicked in the vagina.
“Erin do you promise to OBEY Mike, OBEY Mike, OBEY Mike, OBEY Mike, OBEY Mike, OBEY Mike……..” W.T.F. Mike choked and started laughing. I glanced over my shoulder at my sister who gave me the “boy howdy you just totally fucked yourself didn’t you?” smirk. My mom loyally stood up, winked at me and screamed “I OBJECT, ERIN IS A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!” My pulse quickened; I considered running but then I caught the eye of my attorney uncle and I somehow knew that everything would be okay. I took a cleansing breath, looked up at my handsome groom, narrowed my eyes and sweetly said….. “Of course I do.”
NEW ECHO DOT
Over the course of 8 years I have made peace with what happened on that fateful day. Mike and I have discussed renewing our vows to something more meaningful like the ones John Edwards made to his wife or that adorable, happy Jon and Kate Plus 8 couple but ultimately we have decided to keep the originals. Whatevs, they seem to be working. Have a beautiful weekend my loves! XO
PS: Hi Taren ;)
PPS: Congrats Brent and Shelley!
The Face of Subservience
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
