Recently my doctor friend told me I probably had ADD and that I would likely love adderall. My brain instantly began sorting through data until I landed on adderall. Aaaaahhhh yes, I saw a Dateline special about this drug…….teenagers stealing it, soccer-moms getting addicted and selling their children for it. I told him I would think about it but considering I have made it thirty-three years without becoming addicted to anything other than sex it seems sort of pointless.
I informed my friends of my suspected diagnosis and they were like “Annnnnnd this is a surprise to you?” Thanks for telling me assholes. I will be sure to ask you if I ever have a suspicious mole. My sister said “I don’t think you have ADD but you should totally take the medicine. You could have your book written by Friday. I took half an adderall in college and wrote two eighteen page essays in one night without a single error.” Anyway, because I relying on the assumption that I now have ADD I am going be discussing a menagerie of topics in this blog so try to keep up.
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I love Halloween. Why? Because it is the money-maker holiday that pays our mortgage that’s why. I laugh my ass off every single time I drive by a goody two shoes dentist office that has a sign outside reading “WE WILL BUY BACK YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY!” Hahahahaha Morons. Bet your accountants are thrilled by your valiant act of Boy Scout morality. Ever since I married a dentist, I have acquired a great fondness for individuals that do not brush their teeth because fake boobs do not pay for themselves.
The most fundamental tradition of pagan holidays is carving pumpkins. Last year some delinquent bastard smashed our pumpkins all over the street and toilet papered my neighbor’s house. I made a crime scene chalk drawing around all our dead pumpkins and then laughed thinking about how much work my neighbors were going to have to do when they woke up. Then I remembered they were out of town and that I liked them. I considered pretending I didn’t notice but that did not seem conceivable so I cleaned it all up. And this is why you should never make friends with your neighbors. Ever. Oh and I also stepped in a colossal pile of their dog’s shit.
Back to pumpkins, a friend of mine has a son with a cleft lip. If I was guaranteed this exact child, I would totally have another one without an epidural because I love him that much. He accidentally dropped his newly carved pumpkin and part of it broke between the nose and the mouth. My friend deemed it “Cleft Pumpkin” and posted it on facebook because her kids thought it was super cool. Affirmative. I did piss myself laughing. I saw her when I dropped the kids off at school and was like “I totally underestimated your valor to buck the social system of PC but good for you. Do you know any racist jokes?” She just said “Whatever. I can say that because I birthed one, sucks to be you.” And then I peed again.
NEW ECHO DOT
Just in case you have not been notified by the fifty thousand phone calls or bumper stickers, there is an election tomorrow. I bet the Jehovah’s Witnesses are counting down the seconds until this shit is over so they do not have to fight the old people ringing doorbells to distribute political propaganda consisting of pictures of fetuses in varying states of growth and marijuana leaves with x’s on them over their sovereign soliciting powers. Even my children and niece are hyped up over it.
My Kid: Who are you voting for?
My Niece: Obama.
My Kid: I am voting for Romney. Obama is going to raise your taxes.
My Niece: Well, Romney hates women.
They never even looked up from their coloring books. This reminded me of four years ago when our daughter informed us that her preschool teacher was all excited because we now had the “the first black president” and Bella raised her hand and said “well I voted for the white one.” And because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even change school districts until the following day.
Neeeext, Mike arranged for himself, Eye Candi (his associate) and me to fly down to Arizona to attend a motivational dental seminar. I pretended to be excited about learning about how to make people pay for their x-rays but truthfully my friends Chad and Jen live there and that was my motivation. These people could make visiting an overcrowded Yorkie shelter funny; they are that fucked up. We made plans to go to a comedy club on Friday night. Eye Candi asked how we knew them and I told her I met them on the *internet. I ignored her piercing, judgmental glare and went back to drawing flowers and hearts on my notepad. ** Oh and like usual, they did not murder us even though Chad did drop us off in a sketchy part of town while blaring rap music, with gang members staring at our rental car like it was a weapon buffet. No hard feelings buddy.
*Not a lie
**Not a lie
Shockingly, the class was even lamer than I anticipated. Mike went back to the hotel to take a nap while Eye Candi and I went to lie out at the pool to assist melanoma in the mutation of our DNA. I was dozing off in the sun when the stupid idiot next me dove in and a freezing tsunami came crashing down on us and my iPhone. I jumped up and yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” while Eye Candi laughed and calmly wiped herself off. In my defense, my vocational training pertains solely to the fields of wife-ing and mom-ing. Someone pisses me off and an automatic response will ensue. The man’s wife did apologize for his errant behavior of getting us wet while sitting next to a pool.
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And lastly, I totally empathize with Julia Robert’s character in Sleeping With the Enemy. Last weekend, Mike went completely OCD on our pantry. He dropped a grand at The Container Store and spent the next eight hours organizing the thing. Yesterday he went in there and I immediately felt my pulse quicken. He actually started straightening cans of soup and then proceeded to ask me why I had not put the Lucky Charms in their assigned container. How unjust. I hardly ever go psycho on Mike when he doesn’t change the toilet paper roll or load the dishwasher yet I am the one that needs the meds. WTF. XO
PS I love my friends. I love, love, love my friends.
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
