Our super cool vet, Dr. Vickers, just responded to my most recent blog regarding my middle of the night trip to the animal emergency room, on my anniversary, to have my dog’s anal glands emptied. He graciously told me I should have called him which sent me into a fit of hysterics:
Me - Um Hi Dr. Vickers, it is me Erin Moroni!
Dr. V- Hi Erin, what seems to be the problem? (Groggy from being woken up)
Me- I am so sorry to call so late but I think something is wrong with Maggie’s butthole.
Dr. V- Sounds very serious, it is a good thing you called and woke up my entire family.
Me- So can you come on down to the office and check it out?
Dr. V- Based on your description, it sounds like full anal glands to me.
Me- NOOOO GOD, NOOOOO! Not Anal Glands! What will I tell the kids? (I fall to my knees sobbing)
Dr. V- Erin, anal glands are not deadly. They are mildly uncomfortable. Maggie is not going to die.
Me- I would feel better if you got dressed and drove down to the office to take a look.
Dr. V- Let me get this straight, you want me to get in my car and drive down to the office to stick my finger up your dog’s ass in the middle of the night.
Me- Yes.
Dr. V- You are an asshole. Click.
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Admittedly, I have nerve. But I could not, would not, will not EVER call Dr. Vicker’s in the middle of the night while he is cuddled up with his wife and probably 5 or 6 Golden Retrievers and maybe a couple ferrets and ask him to come take a quick look at my dog’s asshole. I (Mike) will pay the extra money and take our pets to the 24/7 vet hospital specifically designed for such occasions but thanks again for the extremely generous offer. XO
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
