On Thursday my father is having his hip replacement surgery. We were discussing details of his operation when he told me his doctor gave him a pamphlet about “sex after joint replacement”. I said “Well, it is a good thing that you won’t have to worry about that right?” Silence. OMG, Gross. I then asked if he wouldn’t mind taking a picture of his old people porno brochure and sending it to me for curiosity’s sake. Thirty seconds later, I received an e-mail from my father which was instantaneously followed by a call from him telling me “this is how babies are made”. Dad, please stop.
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The brochure actually gives thorough step by step instruction on how to “get your groove on” with a brand "spanking" new set of hips. The elderly, weak people depicted in the illustrations looked like they had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Really? Really? Could they not have made this just a little more enticing? As if being old and frail doesn’t suck enough? Then they have to grapple with this?
I mean seriously, would it have been that hard to disguise their dementia and have them remember to take off their clothes? Or maybe wipe the pained expressions off their faces? Or maybe have Grandpa doing some hot young blonde in a cheerleader costume instead of a wrinkly old prune? Christ, they might as well have drawn a Viagra bottle on the nightstand next to a penis pump. It looked downright pathetic and I am thoroughly disgusted at the insensitivity of my fellow human beings. If I was an old person I would definitely file a complaint. Dad, I am so sorry you had to see this. XO
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
