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Suppositories and Negotiations

Do NOT underestimate the wrath of a tonsil or an adenoid. Those seemingly harmless protuberances of tissue have stealthily developed nuclear weapons, . . .

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I just took my daughter to a birthday party at a jumpy castle place. She managed to jump about 3 inches of gum in her hair. I just cut it out. It s . . .

An Adenoid, A Lizard and A Circumcision

5 days until my daughter gets her tonsils and adenoids removed. Before I became a mother, I never thought an adenoid could evoke this much emotion in . . .

Mothers On Men

Today my friend Steph dyed my hair darker and cut bangs. I loved it. I left the salon feeling sexy and revived, ready to take on another fascinating . . .

DaveSays

Hi Baby Loves. This week my dad wrote for me because he owes me for his partial contribution to my existence. He is a Buddist ninja that is really e . . .

The Best of Both Worlds

A few years ago, I was not sleeping. I was restless and agitated. I had birthed adorable children, ensnarled a sexy Italian husband, was the proud o . . .

Do Not Scare A Motha

I was discussing my New Year’s Resolution of “Cereal Tolerance” with my mom the other day. She excitedly told me she was giving up “her very last add . . .

New Year's Resolution

I have been deeply contemplating my New Year’s Resolution this year. I fleetingly considered curtailing my use of the f-word but then realized this w . . .

Baby Poop

This morning my sister called me while I was in the bathtub…. Erika: I feel like I am pregnant but I know that is not possible. Me: What makes you f . . .

A Christmas Miracle

Every year for Christmas I like to buy a sexy little outfit for Mike to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. Last year I bought Naughty Mrs. Claus. Did you kn . . .

Oh Lighten Up

I have not been able to update my blog for the past week due to unforeseen circumstances: I didn’t feel like it. Now, before I can get to the juice I . . .

Figurines: Vol. II

This morning: Ring, Ring…..

Me: Hi Mom, What’s up?

Mom: Oh it is not good, I am having a really bad day. I am so stressed o . . .

V.I.P word

A month ago, I picked up my teenage stepdaughter from the bus stop. Her best friend wanted a ride home too so she climbed in the front seat and she s . . .

Don't Call Me Edward

Earlier today I was at the zoo with my daughter when I received a phone call from my friend Vanessa:

Vanessa: Hi Erin! Jeff and I are goin . . .

Suburban Crime

A couple days ago I got hit on in the “Self-Help” section at Barnes and Noble. The guy pretended to be looking at books, ironically concerning addict . . .

Just Called to Say Hi-ve

Because I pride myself on being a relatively decent friend, I made a courtesy phone call to my friend Margie B. and asked her if she would have an iss . . .

Just Breathe (If You Can)

I have decided I need to start wearing one of those electronic 911 alerting medical bracelets like my grandma does. This would not be necessary if I . . .

The Legend

My friend, Whitney, has a stomach that underwent a superpower mutation following the Chernobyl disaster in 1986. The girl can eat ANYTHING and not ge . . .

Extra Long Butt Cracks

Recently my computer dork friend came over to assist me with my computer issues. From the moment we met our relationship has consisted of a steady di . . .

Shalom

Years ago I begged Mike to buy me an enormous Christmas tree that makes the one in Rockefeller Center look like a mere sapling. He reluctantly conced . . .

Deep Thoughts on a Snowy Day

All political talk shows should be on Comedy Central. They kill me. There is positively NOTHING funnier than watching a bunch of old white guys shor . . .

I Told You So

Yippppeeee! Tomorrow is marital counseling day! I love marital counseling day. It is the day that Mike and I go sit awkwardly on a couch and discus . . .

Safety First

Following the birth of my oldest daughter I learned I could no longer take birth control pills since they posed a potential health risk due to blood c . . .

Times Are A Changin'

Prefix: Following the birth of my first child, Mike had a near-death experience. In an attempt to help me see the light, he informed me that I “was . . .

Hurry Before the Hoarders Get Here!

The air is noticeably crisper, leaves are changing colors, children are back to school licking each other’s faces and creating new strains of bacteriu . . .

Got Worms

The following is an actual conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter today:

Offspring- Mom, you know what I always wanted but never go . . .

What A Hoot(er)

I only have one boob. You stopped thinking about the stock market for a second didn’t you? I had scoliosis and had to have metal rods put in my back . . .

Time to Shape Up

Quick update: For those of you who have not already been notified via Facebook, my mermaid birthday seduction idea for Mike totally tanked. I borrowe . . .

Forever Destined for Momdom

Well, I am officially a socialite. Yes, I Erin Moroni, am now inches away from mingling with real live reality TV stars. I am trying extremely hard . . .

Don't Worry Be Happy

Tonight I went out to dinner with my super fabulous friend, Daphne. We were having a serious discussion about plastic surgery and why it is AWESOME w . . .