I recently ran into a woman I knew at the mall. We exchanged pleasantries and then she launched into how pissed she was that her husband gave her money rather than an actual gift for her birthday. I stood there totally confused. Hi. If Mike gave me money for my birthday I would probably sleep with him even though it was my holiday. I freaking LOVE money. The only thing I love more than money is Yorkies. She went on and on about the thoughtlessness and insincerity and how she deserved better blah blah blah. Omg. Shut.The.Fuck.Up. Mike- If you are reading this, don’t you EVER forget how lucky you are to have me. Oh and I write a blog. It is mostly about you. Sorry I forgot to tell you.
This incident of martyrdom, reminded me of when Mike asked me to marry him eleven years ago. He proposed with the absolute cutest diamond ever. Unfortunately, the next day I was faced with the uncomfortable task of telling him that the ring wasn’t going to cut it. Now, I know what you are all thinking...Omg, what a selfish jerk! But honestly, I wasn’t even mad that he tried to get away with giving me a chintzy rock. If I was a dude, I would have totally done the exact same thing, hoping that my blinding love would compensate for lack of carets.
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We went back to the jewelry store and found a ring that was more suitable to my needs. And good news, I am pretty sure we will have it paid off later next year. Anywho, the point is, I do not regret my decision. I got what I wanted and eliminated one future source of inevitable contempt once the blinding smoke screen of love wore off and the realization that I married an actual human who chews and catches colds set in. Even though Mike has never expressed his overwhelming gratitude for my foresight, I know he feels it. Every. Day. Of. His. Life.
Moving on, I am happy to report I am now an official podcaster with a new website www.funnymoms.com, which will be up and running this week. If you are anything like me then you will have no idea what this actually means. I took the liberty of googling it once I accepted the position and discovered I am now a co-host on an Internet radio show. Each week my super hot, funny, neuropsychologist, mom friend, Katie, and me interview a different guest to discuss a variety of issues pertinent to women. Topics include plastic surgery (me), how to get out of sex (me), shopping (me), how to have more sex (Katie), sports (Katie), parenting (Katie), psychological issues (Katie), raising your husbands (Katie), how to make friends with Mexican drug lords (Katie), Kim-Jong un’s psychiatric evaluation (Katie), nipple piercings (Katie) etc. etc.
Because I wanted to ensure I was making the right decision before I entered into another non-paying workforce like housewifing, I decided to check in with God. “Hey God, what’s up? Erin Moroni here. So I know you are probably busy blocking meteors or playing with lightning but is there any chance you could give me some clear vision around this whole podcasting deal? Thanks! Smoochies! Amen.” While I do not commit myself to any particular religion, I think God is a super cool entity of whom I enjoy conversing with regularly.
Later that afternoon, I ran up to Starbucks to get coffee for my kids’ teachers since I am doing everything I can to ensure they graduate elementary school. One of the usual baristas was there and I noticed he was wearing glasses. For some reason, this became extraordinarily interesting to me and I said, “Mark- I didn’t know you wore glasses!” He said, “Oh these are just my glasses from the army. My contacts went bad and I am saving up for an eye exam so I can get a new pair.” I went on, “Oh got it, you were a soldier! How awesome! So how much does an eye exam cost?” “$175.” I then ran out to my car and got my checkbook. “Mark it is an absolute honor if you would let me pay for your eye exam considering all you have done for our country. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!” I wrote him a check for that amount and left.
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It was only when I got in my car that I remembered I had asked God for a "clear vision” earlier that day and started laughing hysterically. I truly get the biggest kick out of being alive. I am always deeply humbled by the blessings in my life and firmly believe that along with these privileges, comes responsibility. I have learned over time that there is an insurmountable difference between helping someone out of guilt to satiate my ego verses being a vessel for the Universe. I have done both and each elicit different responses. I am becoming better at making the distinction.
I hope you all have a fabulous week. Love to each and every one of you! XO
I am a writer, parent, and generally loose in the world. Yes, I meant what I said. Whatever. I handled it.
